I am currently taking a Parenting class through BYUi and as part of my final project I will be doing some mini-posts on principles I learned that really stood out to me.
Disconnecting from Electronics, and Connecting Heart-to-Heart
The quaint scene of a family gathered lovingly around the dinner table is becoming less common in todays society. Often busy schedules require members of a household to eat at different times, or pressures from work and school may entice some to multi-task while they eat. Often the desire for constant stimuli turns many to face a screen rather than one another.
The following scene from the Netflix movie "The Mitchells vs. the Machines" illustrates how difficult it can be to limit screen time in the home:
"A study that surveyed 1,600 people discovered the following information:
70 percent of people surveyed said they check their smartphone within an hour of getting up.
56 percent check their phone within an hour of going to sleep.
48 percent check during the weekend, including on Friday and Saturday nights.
51 percent check continuously during vacation.
44 percent said they would experience "a great deal of anxiety" if they lost their phones and couldn't replace them for a week."
(Rarick, 2)
Rarick points out in his study what I have been feeling for a long time, that to unplug my children, I first need to set a good example. I often feed my kids and clean up while they eat, then sit down with my food in front of the computer to do my homework and work-work. This is a disconnect on my part from family time, when what I need to do is disconnect from distractions and electronics instead.
Anne Fishel, Family Therapist, says the following about family dinners:
"There have been more than 20 years of dozens of studies that document that family dinners are great for the body, the physical health, the brains and academic performance, and the spirit or the mental health, and in terms nutrition, cardiovascular health is better in teens, there's lower fat and sugar and salt in home cooked meals even if you don't try that hard, there's more fruit, and fiber, and vegetables, and protein in home cooked meals, and lower calories. Kids who grow up having family dinners, when they're on their own tend to eat more healthily and to have lower rates of obesity.
Then the mental health benefits are just incredible. Regular family dinners are associated with lower rates of depression, and anxiety, and substance abuse, and eating disorders, and tobacco use, and early teenage pregnancy, and higher rates of resilience and higher self esteem." (Anderson, 1)
As a start in applying what I've learned, I made home-made bread, salad, and spaghetti for dinner tonight (One of the few meals that everyone likes). We didn't all eat together (my middle child and husband were at the skatepark till 8pm) but when they got home my son told me it was "the best meal" he'd had in years, and he thanked me profusely several times. My oldest son just got braces and his teeth are sore, so he appreciated the soft bread and noodles. My daughter is a bread-a-holic and was thrilled to smell it baking in the oven. I even made it a point to wait until after I had eaten dinner with the kids, to sit down at the computer and begin my homework (ie: this post). I hope to establish better habits now while my children are still young.
I am currently taking a Parenting class through BYUi and as part of my final project I will be doing some mini-posts on principles I learned that really stood out to me.
Parenting with Meekness and Emotional Self-Mastery
I have lost my temper many times as a Parent. It can be hard to see the damage that this does to our children whilst consumed with such strong emotions. My kids and I made an agreement, if I over-reacted to a situation, and we all knew it, they got to pour ice water over my head when we got home. This, and lots of prayer have helped me to better control my anger and bit by bit I believe I am becoming a better Parent, (the not yelling kind).
The new Netflix movie "Turning Red" illustrates the frustration between a rebellious child and parent well in the following scene:
"Adult temper tantrums happen when the person can't cope with a negative situation that has happened to them. They don't know how to handle it and become a person no one wants to be around.” “Like many issues adults can have, temper tantrums are rooted in childhood. There are many who were raised in homes where they were never taught vital emotional coping skills. If a child is raised in an environment in which dramatic emotional outbursts were permitted, fostered, or modeled, that child will be more prone to temper tantrums in adulthood than would, say, a child reared in a home where self-regulation was prized." (Marulli, 2)
The following are quotes from Latter Day Saint Prophets, taken from the book "Soft-Spoken Parenting: 50 Ways to Not Lose Your Temper With Your Kids" by H Wallace Goddard:
Brigham Young says, “Abuse and unkindness will drive them (our children) from us, and break asunder every holy tie, that should bind them to us…Then can you wonder that your children are wild, reckless and ungovernable? They care not for a name, or standing in society. Every noble aspiration is blunted; for they are made to go here or there, like mere machines, at the beck and call of tyrant parents, and are uncultivated and uncivilized.”“Chastening may be necessary betimes, but parents should govern their children by faith rather than the rod, leading them kindly by good example…Latter-day Saint should maintain a uniform and even temper…Anger should never be permitted to rise in our bosoms, and words suggested by angry feeling should never be permitted to pass our lips.”
Joseph F Smith says, “Sometimes the husband sees a failing in his wife, and he upbraids her with it. Sometimes the wife feels that her husband has not done just the right thing, and she upbraids him. What good does it do? Is not forgiveness better? We all have our weaknesses and failings…but the bond of the new and everlasting covenant (will) be more secure when you forget to mention the weaknesses and faults of one another. It is better to drop them and say nothing about them, bury them and speak only of the good that you know and feel.”
David O McKay says, “Never must there be expressed in a Latter-day Saint home…an expression of anger or jealousy, or hatred. Control it! Do not express it!”
Gordon B. Hinckley says, “Fathers, control your tempers, now and in all the years to come. Mothers, control your voices, keep them down…There is so much of meanness and abuse, of intolerance and hatred. There is so great a need for repentance and forgiveness. It is the great principle emphasized in all of scripture, both ancient and modern.”
In an interview with Astrid Lingren, author of the beloved children book Pippi Longstocking, she shared the following experience:
"Above all, I believe that there should never be any violence. In 1978 I received a peace prize in West Germany for my books, and I gave an acceptance speech that I called just that: 'Never Violence.' And in that speech, I told a story from my own experience.
When I was about 20 years old, I met an old pastor's wife who told me that when she was young and had her first child, she didn't believe in striking children, although spanking kids with a switch pulled from a tree was standard punishment at the time. But one day when her son was four or five, he did something that she felt warranted a spanking - - the first of his life. And she told him that he would have to go outside himself and find a switch for her to hit him with. The boy was gone a long time. And when he came back in, he was crying. He said to her, 'Mama, I couldn't find a switch, but here's a rock that you can throw at me.'
All of a sudden the mother understood how the situation felt from the child's point of view: that if my mother wants to hurt me, then it makes no difference what she does it with; she might as well do it with a stone. And the mother took the boy onto her lap and they both cried. Then she laid the rock on a shelf in the kitchen to remind herself forever: never violence. And that is something I think everyone should keep in mind. Because violence begins in the nursery - - one can raise children into violence." (Lisbet, p.132)
I pray that I may continue to progress in my self-mastery that I may be a refuge from the storms of life for my children, that they may be able to turn to me and trust me whatever the situation or trouble may be.
Sources:
Goddard, HW. (July 2007). “Soft-Spoken Parenting: 50 Ways to Not Lose Your Temper With Your Kids.” Silverleaf Press, Retreived from https://content.byui.edu/file/d8eb8fca-89c5-4432-a589-59a57e705539/1/SoftSpokenParentpgs_combined.pdf
Lisbet, N. "Pippi Power: An Interview with Astrid Lingren." Parenting. Oct 1992.
Marulli, L. (May 2021). “Parenting Yourself When You Want To Throw A Temper Tantrum.” Moms Magazine. Retrieved from https://moms.com/parenting-yourself-temper-tantrum/
I am currently taking a Parenting class through BYUi and as part of my final project I will be doing some mini posts on principles I learned that really stood out to me.
Rewarding Bad Behavior:
When my Brother Brian first got married, he and his lovely bride Sarah got a Black Mouth Cur Puppy named Piper. As this puppy grew in size, he also did as most puppies do, and began to chew on things. One of his favorite things to chew on was my Sister in laws arm. She would try to discourage him, but she is so sweet, he seemed to think it was a game. I witnessed this scenario while visiting them: Piper would began to gnaw on Sarah's arm. She would push him away and tell him "No". My brother Brian would say, "Come here Piper" and drag him away by his collar. Then Brian would give Piper a bone to keep him quiet in the corner for a while. Now this may have just been a desperate tactic to keep the dog still while company (myself) was over. But Piper was a smart dog. As soon as Piper finished his bone he was right back bothering Sarah again, and then was shortly thereafter rewarded with yet another bone.
This principle, of rewarding bad behavior to get short term instant compliance, can also be easy to fall into when raising children.
"Some children purposely misbehave in order to get their parents to pay them to behave better. Such reasoning may soon lead to bargaining and black-mail, and to ever-increasing demands for prizes and fringe benefits in exchange for "good" behavior." (Ginott, 60)
This reminds me of Veruca Salt from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory":
"Attention is rewarding. And as the child grows up, parental attention is their most desired reward. But parents of a child who misbehaves in the home tend to pay more attention to misbehavior than desirable behavior." (Flint, 2)
It can be easy to become like Donald Duck, directing our concentrated attention only when confronted with disasters.
"When one successfully identifies the function of (reason for) the behavior, one can reinforce an alternate, acceptable behavior that will replace it. When a student has a particular need or function fulfilled by an alternate means, the maladaptive or unacceptable behavior is less likely to reappear. For example, if a child needs attention, and one gives them attention in an appropriate way because of appropriate behavior, humans tend to cement the appropriate behavior and make the inappropriate or unwanted behavior less likely." (Webster, 2)
With my middle child, when he starts becoming more difficult, argumentative, whiny, with a poor attitude, I try to address the behavior as it occurs in a mild manner. I also make a mental note to schedule more one on one time with him. Thus far in his 10yr old life, when he has more one on one time with an Adult, the undesirable behavior disappears on its own, and his disposition turns cheerful, content, and like the sweet angel all his teachers rave that he is in school. I am far from a perfect parent, but I am ever so grateful for the sweet promptings of the Spirit that help guide me to know what each individual child is in need of.
Sources:
Flint, D. (Oct. 2019). “Three Ways Parents Enable Their Child's Misbehavior.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers. Retreived from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/behavior-problems-behavior-solutions/201910/three-ways-parents-enable-their-childs-misbehavior.
Ginott, H. (1965). "Between Parent and Child". New York, NY: Three Rivers Press
Webster, Jerry. “The 6 Most Common Functions of Human Behavior.” ThoughtCo, ThoughtCo, 22 Mar. 2019, https://www.thoughtco.com/the-function-of-behavior-3110363.
