Rewarding Undesirable Behavior -How to Avoid Parenting Pitfalls.

I am currently taking a Parenting class through BYUi and as part of my final project I will be doing some mini posts on principles I learned that really stood out to me.  

Rewarding Bad Behavior:

When my Brother Brian first got married, he and his lovely bride Sarah got a Black Mouth Cur Puppy named Piper.  As this puppy grew in size, he also did as most puppies do, and began to chew on things.  One of his favorite things to chew on was my Sister in laws arm.  She would try to discourage him, but she is so sweet, he seemed to think it was a game.  I witnessed this scenario while visiting them: Piper would began to gnaw on Sarah's arm.  She would push him away and tell him "No".  My brother Brian would say, "Come here Piper" and drag him away by his collar.  Then Brian would give Piper a bone to keep him quiet in the corner for a while.  Now this may have just been a desperate tactic to keep the dog still while company (myself) was over.  But Piper was a smart dog.  As soon as Piper finished his bone he was right back bothering Sarah again, and then was shortly thereafter rewarded with yet another bone. 

This principle, of rewarding bad behavior to get short term instant compliance, can also be easy to fall into when raising children. 

"Some children purposely misbehave in order to get their parents to pay them to behave better.  Such reasoning may soon lead to bargaining and black-mail, and to ever-increasing demands for prizes and fringe benefits in exchange for "good" behavior." (Ginott, 60)

This reminds me of Veruca Salt from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory":

"Attention is rewarding.  And as the child grows up, parental attention is their most desired reward.  But parents of a child who misbehaves in the home tend to pay more attention to misbehavior than desirable behavior." (Flint, 2)

It can be easy to become like Donald Duck, directing our concentrated attention only when confronted with disasters.  

"When one successfully identifies the function of (reason for) the behavior, one can reinforce an alternate, acceptable behavior that will replace it.  When a student has a particular need or function fulfilled by an alternate means, the maladaptive or unacceptable behavior is less likely to reappear.  For example, if a child needs attention, and one gives them attention in an appropriate way because of appropriate behavior, humans tend to cement the appropriate behavior and make the inappropriate or unwanted behavior less likely." (Webster, 2)

With my middle child, when he starts becoming more difficult, argumentative, whiny, with a poor attitude, I try to address the behavior as it occurs in a mild manner.  I also make a mental note to schedule more one on one time with him.  Thus far in his 10yr old life, when he has more one on one time with an Adult, the undesirable behavior disappears on its own, and his disposition turns cheerful, content, and like the sweet angel all his teachers rave that he is in school.  I am far from a perfect parent, but I am ever so grateful for the sweet promptings of the Spirit that help guide me to know what each individual child is in need of.  

Sources: 

Flint, D. (Oct. 2019).  “Three Ways Parents Enable Their Child's Misbehavior.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers. Retreived from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/behavior-problems-behavior-solutions/201910/three-ways-parents-enable-their-childs-misbehavior.

Ginott, H. (1965). "Between Parent and Child". New York, NY: Three Rivers Press

Webster, Jerry. “The 6 Most Common Functions of Human Behavior.” ThoughtCo, ThoughtCo, 22 Mar. 2019, https://www.thoughtco.com/the-function-of-behavior-3110363.